i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize