never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This is classic penis vs brain.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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