Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
