I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
