farters have to be the big spoon...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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