I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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