I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
