well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
