I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
