so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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