I got chris browned last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your penis caused this!
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