I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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