I hate your face
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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