i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
