apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
