The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
