But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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