i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
