if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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