you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
do herpes really smell.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
