My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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