I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
