after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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