I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
