Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize