I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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