Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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