It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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