Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
