I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
