I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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