My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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