I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
