I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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