Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
