I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
