turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
