Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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