the condom got lost in my hair
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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