Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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