TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
