dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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