Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
