my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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