I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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