Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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