I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
