swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
