Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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