Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
