I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
