Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
