My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
