Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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