Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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