how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
