Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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